I am not a good decision maker. I make the most outrageous decisions that in the end bites me in the ass. I've spent time and money on the wrong people and would usually question my common sense, my pride and my self-worth. I am very quick to feel sorry for the person I have the hots for and sometimes they do not even deserve such sentiment. I have always believe that one day I will eventually go to the other side of the fence where the grass is greener. I just didnt know when. I can't deny the fact that I did reach to a point where I just gave up on things and figured this is how life is going to treat me and I was thinking, Nyeh. I will just live with whatever is given to me.
Had a four years relationship and got cheated on twice. And hung up on him for the next three years and went through multiple of heart breaks. Met a guy went out with him for about two years and was placed in the hazy zone for whatever reason. Made me think that not talking for a week is Okay. While going out with the new guy, I was secretly still seeing the EX. At one point I was mind-f***ked. I wasnt sure what I wanted, who I wanted. And I had no idea what I was doing. And why I was doing it. Eventually I got tired of that kind of life. It was meaningless, I didnt know where I stood. I felt used. So I decided to friendzoned everyone and figured, it's fine. I will just adopt. It was the plan anyway.
About after a month or two, I got close to a work friend. A very friendly dude. Makes me laugh every time we hung out. From group chats it becomes a personal chats. From coffee hang outs it becomes movie nights. From texts it becomes video calls. From Ok lets talk tomorrow, it becomes let's leave our video on til tomorrow morning. From why dont you be my girlfriend to ofcourse I love you my cutie patootiee.
Its amazing what life can give you. The ups and downs is like being on a never ending roller coaster ride. I can't deny the fact that I have some negative thoughts in my head after looking back in time. But one thing for sure, I will never ever stop thinking that if something doesn't work out it only means that GOD has better plans for me.
Currently I am on the greener side of the fence. And I have no one to thank but God.
Dear You,
One thing you should know, if this doesn't work out it means God has better plans for Us. Whilst keeping that in mind, I can promise you afew things.
1/ I will not stop trying to make you happy.
2/ I will not stop loving you.
3/ I will not stop caring about you.
4/ I will not stop trying to make this last for a life time.
5/ Seeing other men, whilst still going out with you is ofcourse out of the question.
6/ And if history is to repeat itself again, I will accept it with an open mind.
Til then.
Goodnight.
13 Nov 2014
21 Jul 2014
Extra Ordinary
To want something extra ordinary requires work. An extra effort and a little bit of out side the box thinking.
I am at a point where, I do not have the will power to give extra, think more than I should and work a little bit extra. But then again that is not how it is if you wana survive in this world and to have what you want. And perhaps sometime need.
Moral of the story is, you have to always give extra, work more than you should and not forgetting give more than you should.
My mind boggles with the what ifs. I thought I have gotten rid of them. From the looks of it, I need to try harder. Alot harder.
Til then.
I am at a point where, I do not have the will power to give extra, think more than I should and work a little bit extra. But then again that is not how it is if you wana survive in this world and to have what you want. And perhaps sometime need.
Moral of the story is, you have to always give extra, work more than you should and not forgetting give more than you should.
My mind boggles with the what ifs. I thought I have gotten rid of them. From the looks of it, I need to try harder. Alot harder.
Til then.
20 Jul 2014
Stay with Me
The thing with me is, I tend to get myself tangled in this odd situations. And I would always end up saying things like good things do not come easy or nothing is permanent except change. And other whole load of crap. I'm not saying that any of those things aren't true.
It is safe to say now.. still, I do think that good things do not come easy.
I was browsing through my past posts and came across me saying I hope God will give me that one particular person that would set me free or something along that line. GOD is fair and GOD is good. Cause GOD did introduce to me a being that is by far the sweetest person alive. He never fails to make me laugh and he makes me forget things that I do not wana remember.
I would like to dedicate this post especially for him.
I was all year round doing something that was not right with a person whom I thought loved me sincerely. Taken for granted by another man which I thought I was ready to give my heart and soul. On most nights I would be angry at myself for letting myself do things which makes me feel used and small. I cared too much for people that does not care about me. I doubted my common sense, I thought I was going crazy, I had hoped for something which was nothing but cheap tales in a romance movie which was too good to be true.
Until one day!Came along a person which I thought was just an ordinary guy. Me being me, I was pretty skeptic towards this man. For one thing, he is waayy younger than I am. Until he started talking to me like its no one's business. I figured, this guy is pretty interesting. He seems to know alot of things. Nothing attracts me more than a smart person.We talked more, and grew alot closer than we should. Cause he cracks me up to a level that no one can. He can be pretty lame, but still I would find that amusing.
I came to understand him alot better. I manage to see the mature side of him that most people can't. For a young man, he can be more mature than I am. And that really caught my attention. Everyone knows that a girl and a guy can't be JUST friends. With time, he grew to love me, and vise versa. My common sense told me to stop. Why? One thing, he is way younger than me.
Apart from how mature he can be sometimes, he says the sweetest things about me that no freakin' guy has ever said to me. At one point in time, he told me all these good qualities that he sees in me that he finds very attractive.That was really sweet level 9000. I don't really remember what they are, but I do remember how he made me feel when he told me all those things. For the first time after so long I do not feel so small and under appreciated.
He make me do things which I never thought I would love doing. For instance, hanging by the beach and just talk endlessly. All these things which I thought was really corny turned to be something which are actually really good. I lit my first lantern because of him. Nothing can beat the feeling of doing something for the first time. And I have never seen a man that is very certain of what he wants. I'm not too sure if this is because he is young (they tend to think they want something, but they actually don't) or the fact that he is just CERTAIN of what he wants that it scares me sometime. I have not seen a man which is that sure in a very long time. And he sure can keep up with my crap. Amazingly. (Well for now)
Dear God,
I wana thank you for introducing me this amazing guy. He has a soft heart and he has the sweetest smile. And those things are one of the many things that I love about him. Apart from never failing to make me feel needed, loved and most importantly like a princess. :) IF you happen to take him away too like the others, I want you to know that I am thankful for every moment that I spent with him despite how brief it is. I am well aware of the challenges that I will be facing (although now I still refuse to accept it) and knowing me I might end up doing something stupid. He is one of the many amazing gift you have given to me.
And Dear You,
I know I do not say things like these alot, I reckon I am more of a person that writes stuff rather than say them, cause this way you can always refer back to your writings incase you forgot, you are an amazing person, as much as you are afraid of losing me, I am quite worried too. (You might just find a person your age) I might not show it much it's because I've been through alot in the past and I have learned that it'll hurt less if you dont dwell too much on it. I always question myself, if I give up on this, will I be able to find another guy that is like you. And that stops me from actually doing it. Insecurities aside. Let me list down all the amazing things I like about you (best part is I'm gona have this in writing);
You're funny and adorable. You're sweet, you know how to say the right things at the right time. You make me feel like I am the most important female alive. You have the sweetest dimples. You are very smart. I like it when you take something very seriously. I like how you are able to make me laugh almost everytime when we speak. I like how you can make me do things (like eat my veggies even when I dont wana). I like how you are very understanding and I like it how you say love me.
If I happen to not be with you, let me tell you this. You are the most amazing person I have ever met. The person that ends up being with you will be the luckiest person alive. Never think less of yourself. Girls in the past may have hurt you, and I believe its their lost. They have failed to see this attractive dimpled man that can make their day to day very cheerful and colorful. And always remember when it doesnt work with one girl, it basically means GOD is giving you a better one.
I think this is one of the longest post I have ever written here. Took me about an hour drafting this. I hope you've enjoyed reading it. Cause I enjoyed drafting it.
Til next time.
Have a good sleep.
Love always.
It is safe to say now.. still, I do think that good things do not come easy.
I was browsing through my past posts and came across me saying I hope God will give me that one particular person that would set me free or something along that line. GOD is fair and GOD is good. Cause GOD did introduce to me a being that is by far the sweetest person alive. He never fails to make me laugh and he makes me forget things that I do not wana remember.
I would like to dedicate this post especially for him.
I was all year round doing something that was not right with a person whom I thought loved me sincerely. Taken for granted by another man which I thought I was ready to give my heart and soul. On most nights I would be angry at myself for letting myself do things which makes me feel used and small. I cared too much for people that does not care about me. I doubted my common sense, I thought I was going crazy, I had hoped for something which was nothing but cheap tales in a romance movie which was too good to be true.
Until one day!Came along a person which I thought was just an ordinary guy. Me being me, I was pretty skeptic towards this man. For one thing, he is waayy younger than I am. Until he started talking to me like its no one's business. I figured, this guy is pretty interesting. He seems to know alot of things. Nothing attracts me more than a smart person.We talked more, and grew alot closer than we should. Cause he cracks me up to a level that no one can. He can be pretty lame, but still I would find that amusing.
I came to understand him alot better. I manage to see the mature side of him that most people can't. For a young man, he can be more mature than I am. And that really caught my attention. Everyone knows that a girl and a guy can't be JUST friends. With time, he grew to love me, and vise versa. My common sense told me to stop. Why? One thing, he is way younger than me.
Apart from how mature he can be sometimes, he says the sweetest things about me that no freakin' guy has ever said to me. At one point in time, he told me all these good qualities that he sees in me that he finds very attractive.That was really sweet level 9000. I don't really remember what they are, but I do remember how he made me feel when he told me all those things. For the first time after so long I do not feel so small and under appreciated.
He make me do things which I never thought I would love doing. For instance, hanging by the beach and just talk endlessly. All these things which I thought was really corny turned to be something which are actually really good. I lit my first lantern because of him. Nothing can beat the feeling of doing something for the first time. And I have never seen a man that is very certain of what he wants. I'm not too sure if this is because he is young (they tend to think they want something, but they actually don't) or the fact that he is just CERTAIN of what he wants that it scares me sometime. I have not seen a man which is that sure in a very long time. And he sure can keep up with my crap. Amazingly. (Well for now)
Dear God,
I wana thank you for introducing me this amazing guy. He has a soft heart and he has the sweetest smile. And those things are one of the many things that I love about him. Apart from never failing to make me feel needed, loved and most importantly like a princess. :) IF you happen to take him away too like the others, I want you to know that I am thankful for every moment that I spent with him despite how brief it is. I am well aware of the challenges that I will be facing (although now I still refuse to accept it) and knowing me I might end up doing something stupid. He is one of the many amazing gift you have given to me.
And Dear You,
I know I do not say things like these alot, I reckon I am more of a person that writes stuff rather than say them, cause this way you can always refer back to your writings incase you forgot, you are an amazing person, as much as you are afraid of losing me, I am quite worried too. (You might just find a person your age) I might not show it much it's because I've been through alot in the past and I have learned that it'll hurt less if you dont dwell too much on it. I always question myself, if I give up on this, will I be able to find another guy that is like you. And that stops me from actually doing it. Insecurities aside. Let me list down all the amazing things I like about you (best part is I'm gona have this in writing);
You're funny and adorable. You're sweet, you know how to say the right things at the right time. You make me feel like I am the most important female alive. You have the sweetest dimples. You are very smart. I like it when you take something very seriously. I like how you are able to make me laugh almost everytime when we speak. I like how you can make me do things (like eat my veggies even when I dont wana). I like how you are very understanding and I like it how you say love me.
If I happen to not be with you, let me tell you this. You are the most amazing person I have ever met. The person that ends up being with you will be the luckiest person alive. Never think less of yourself. Girls in the past may have hurt you, and I believe its their lost. They have failed to see this attractive dimpled man that can make their day to day very cheerful and colorful. And always remember when it doesnt work with one girl, it basically means GOD is giving you a better one.
I think this is one of the longest post I have ever written here. Took me about an hour drafting this. I hope you've enjoyed reading it. Cause I enjoyed drafting it.
Til next time.
Have a good sleep.
Love always.
17 Feb 2014
One day at a time
I poured my heart out to a person whom I thought would bring me see rainbows by the end of my life time. It doesnt make me feel good but I guess it is for the best. Came a cross a meme, it says happy. yes? Yes. Keep going. Happy, No? Change something. So i followed that advice and made a change. Well kinda. Currently still making the first step to making a change. Not everyone gets you. Or it could be I just don't get some people. It is kinda selfish to think why can't he do things according to what I like and what I want?If I think again, it is not so selfish when the things I want are at its minimal. I do not ask for money, I do not ask for constant contact, I do not ask for anything a normal girl would ask from her lover. I have dialed down my neediness, bossiness and edginess to a level where I had no idea I could reach. Sigh.
Ah well. At least I took a leap in actually doing something. I guess not everyone can see what you are wiling to give up on to make them happy. Well perhaps it is just not meant to be.
Lets take one day at a time and move on shall we.
Ah well. At least I took a leap in actually doing something. I guess not everyone can see what you are wiling to give up on to make them happy. Well perhaps it is just not meant to be.
Lets take one day at a time and move on shall we.
26 Jan 2014
Candy Apple
So it has been awhile.
Things are pretty much the same. I've grown a bit older but still not any wiser.
Still have the tendency to lookat people at their best, insult them for their stupidity and fall for ever sweet loving thoughts of sugar coated words.
So some things do not change, some people do not change. I might be going against my principal of nothing is permanent except change, well, at one point in time i have realized that somethings do not change. Like for instance, how can one do what they always do? And after for so long they still do what they do?
I can't help it but think too much. The what if's, what could've been and the why's.
I have placed my self in a place where i myself do not want to be in and I can't seem to get out from. And I seem to have not found someone that can safe me and take me out. I have tried very hard to let myself loose, doing it by myself can't seem to work.
How I wish I can find that one person that can really help me. I guess I can only wait til God gives me that one person that can help me out.
I have a candy apple. It's just funny how sometimes I feel like this candy apple will not last me til forever. :(
Things are pretty much the same. I've grown a bit older but still not any wiser.
Still have the tendency to lookat people at their best, insult them for their stupidity and fall for ever sweet loving thoughts of sugar coated words.
So some things do not change, some people do not change. I might be going against my principal of nothing is permanent except change, well, at one point in time i have realized that somethings do not change. Like for instance, how can one do what they always do? And after for so long they still do what they do?
I can't help it but think too much. The what if's, what could've been and the why's.
I have placed my self in a place where i myself do not want to be in and I can't seem to get out from. And I seem to have not found someone that can safe me and take me out. I have tried very hard to let myself loose, doing it by myself can't seem to work.
How I wish I can find that one person that can really help me. I guess I can only wait til God gives me that one person that can help me out.
I have a candy apple. It's just funny how sometimes I feel like this candy apple will not last me til forever. :(
28 Nov 2013
13 Oct 2013
Almost is
Spent the whole day (well almost the whole day) doing my project. It was pretty mind boggling cause I had no idea how to use the software. My project is about forecasting the output power of a solar PV system. In this case the ones we have in Seria. I must use this software called R to do it. It is pretty straight forward actually. It's just that, truth be told, I am not so much of a programming person. It is not as hard as JAVA I should say. But still, I have to use all these commands that seem very foreign to my simple mind. With Midah's help, I did manage to do what I was suppose to do. Surprisingly I do understand some of the commands. There are some that I still do NOT though, like as.data.frame. I mean like, WHAT? There are meanings to every commands of course, I just have not gotten my way around that yet.
The semester break's over. School is gona start again tomorrow. Well atleast some weight is lifted away from my shoulders. Just need to work on my report soon. And revise for the exam. I only have one module. So gona try really hard to nail that one.
Currently listening to Almost Is Never Enough. I guess its not that bad. Since I have it on repeat for quite a while now. Feeling really sleepy. I guess today's post is not going to be as informative as I thought it would be.
Well, that is all I guess.
Perhaps I can share afew boring photos. Hehe. :)
The semester break's over. School is gona start again tomorrow. Well atleast some weight is lifted away from my shoulders. Just need to work on my report soon. And revise for the exam. I only have one module. So gona try really hard to nail that one.
Currently listening to Almost Is Never Enough. I guess its not that bad. Since I have it on repeat for quite a while now. Feeling really sleepy. I guess today's post is not going to be as informative as I thought it would be.
Well, that is all I guess.
Perhaps I can share afew boring photos. Hehe. :)
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| That's persistence right there! |
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| Its Grumpy Cat and her brother :) This is not boring! |
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